It’s Okay to Have a Meltdown
By, Ella Eastin
I recently had a big one. There is a saying, “don’t cry over spilled milk,” but we all know that the tears that flow aren’t simply about the milk. The tears are the release of the stress, worry and burden we carry every day. We don’t have time to meltdown anytime something frustrating happens. But sometimes, after things have built up, you have to. And in my opinion, you should.
On an afternoon after having to take a few days off of exercising to rest and complete other responsibilities, I was excited to go on a run. I was actually feeling good. My boyfriend and I drove to do a trail run about 15 minutes from home. We started uphill and I felt the burning in my lungs that you feel with tough uphill exercise. As the terrain flattened, it slowly diminished and settled for just mildly uncomfortable breathing. I welcome that feeling of pushing myself and was glad my heart rate wasn’t spiking so much that I felt faint.
The route wasn’t easy, and my boyfriend ran behind me, definitely holding back from a speed he was capable of to allow me to run at a pace that I could manage.
We reached a point where it felt comfortable for half way, especially because it was getting dark. So we turned around and I felt excited about some more downhill on the way back.
Heading back in the direction we came, about 2 miles away from the car, I went to wipe my sweat in my eyes with my shirt, blocked my vision, and tripped over a rock. Before I knew it, I heard the smack of my body hit the dirt and I was on the ground. I hit my knee cap on a rock, scratched my waist and arms, bruised my hands, and had dirt all over my body. I even found sticks in my hair the next day.
When I fell, I heard a pop in my knee and it started to swell. I have been in greater pain before, but my mind went straight to my knee. I rolled over and hugged my leg close to me, wondering what would ensue in the next few seconds after the impact. I winced in pain and fear. The entire impact put me into shock. I was breathing fast, looked pale, and was freezing within seconds.
I took a few moments to slowly get myself off of the ground, nervous for what I would feel like when I stood up. I felt the adrenaline pumping through my veins and realized it was going to be a long way back to the car. I knew the more time went on, the more uncomfortable I would be, so I started making my way, worried that if I waited, I would have to be carried. I was in pain, of course, but at least had enough range of motion to walk back slowly.
Although I could get up and walk on both knees, I will still so upset. I broke into tears and cried almost the entire way back to the car. It wasn’t because I was in such pain that I couldn’t walk, but because I was terrified. When I hit the ground, I had a physiological response to the thought that I could once again, be so set back in my health.
Every day, I budget my energy. I budget my time. I listen to my body in an attempt to notice every small and precise signal my body is sending me. I often feel at the mercy of my health. And any additional burden in that moment seemed to heavy to carry.
People with disabilities and chronic illnesses are not immune to colds, injuries, or anything else that “sets people back” from being able to engage in their routine.
It is hard to manage having a more challenging baseline and then also manage additional difficulties that come with being a human. In order to cope, I think I often brush this off and try to pretend that these extra challenges don’t exist.
I typically have such a positive mindset about my situation. I find that it is sometimes easier to just say “its okay, i’m totally fine” instead of being openly honest about all of the things I deal with every day. I am open about my experiences to try and normalize my situation and raise awareness around disability and chronic illness issues. But, with this, I am required to talk about it more. I think that I embrace the “fake it til you make it” mindset sometimes because of the frequency of having to acknowledge the challenges I face.
This incident was important for me to remember that I am still processing my health circumstances. Most of the time it doesn’t bring me to tears, but this time, it did. And that’s okay.
I watch my friends and family exercise as much as they want, have more hours in the day by sleeping less, and challenge themselves physically and mentally whenever they feel like. And it’s hard. I can normally handle this difficult truth. But this moment for some reason, challenged me even more.
I have reached a point where I can exercise a few times a week, which I am incredibly grateful for. But, I have, once again, adjusted to this NEW routine. I was terrified to have to adjust this new routine, because it was even less than what I really WANT to be doing.
My goal is to uplift others that face similar or different challenges to me. I try my best to put positivity into the world. This is necessary to encourage everyone to keep pushing forwards. But this isn’t how I feel all of the time. For those of you that question the validity your emotions when you are struggling, don’t.
I gave myself the evening to grieve, made a good dinner, and watched TV. After a good night’s sleep, I woke up feeling better. I opened my eyes and was still breathing, and for that, I felt grateful.
Thank you to our primary sponsor, Vitassium by Salt Stick.
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